Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
