Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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