I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
