Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
