At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
