we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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