at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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