I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Less talking, more tequila
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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