Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
