booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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