god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Small penises have feelings too.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Randomize
