I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
