it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
