When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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