Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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