I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
