I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
