just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
