That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
