just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Mom said you looked used
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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