Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
