This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
