my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
