Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
