I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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