Heybabeimwearingurpanties
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
