so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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