That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We are two peas in an std pod
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
