I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
