she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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