you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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