I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
