That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
