Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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