Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
