The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
pop tarts are not kleenex
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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