a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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