I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
