I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
