I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize