It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
