she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
