Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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