my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
