bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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