if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
