can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
