i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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