i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
