My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
