You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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