Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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