Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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