I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
